So times I wonder....

""why are the ones who are supposed to love us the best sometimes the ones that hurt us the worst?"

I've always had this same question in my head and find it interesting that other people wonder the same thing. And although my answer is not as eloquently written as jesh did here, my answer is pretty close to his.

Here is what he wrote:

the simple answer is: because of our expectations of them, because of misinterpretation, and the deep needs that come with being human.


the longer reply, i have written below:


though a 'pure' love would be completely without expectation, this is next (if not impossible) to achieve here. the friend and family relationships upon which we depend for our survival are so very founded and rooted in trust and mutual value-exchange.

however, more often than not, it is misunderstanding - the sometimes wide differences in the languages that we speak and understand - that is chiefly responsible for these let-downs.


at the root, each of us is built similarly: we want to be loved, appreciated and seen for who we are. we want people to know we are important. we want what we give to be treated as the precious thing it is.

since that is true for everyone, it becomes apparent that it is the forms in which we expect those things to come to us (the language) that is the major difference, and source of the miscommunications.

if a person is able to see beneath the language forms that are being used, to the root of what is truly being shared or asked for, they will most always find there is another story being told, sometimes opposite of what they had originally interpreted.

this deep seeing is not an easy thing to do - especially with those we have been around for a long time. we have so many ideas built up about them, we 'know' them so well that we rarely interpret anything they say or do outside of that 'knowing'.

in a strange twist, in moments like this, we often end up giving the ones we love most less freedom, less genuine seeing, less curiosity, less openness than a friend we are just meeting or a person we are just falling love with.

this unfortunate phenomena is very much responsible for planting the seeds of incredible hurt that damage so many relationships.

though it may not be often be recognized by the mind, and as simple as it is, genuine curiosity about someone is a vital ingredient to a love relationship. look at how much there is in the beginning, versus how much there is in the end,,, a telling tale.


to be seen is perhaps the greatest of all human needs, and we expect/desire/require this from the people we love.

when misunderstandings happen, when languages are misinterpreted, that seeing we so very much need is missed and (this part is especially crucial to be aware of) it doesn't just feel like a mistake - it more often feels like an intentional cruelty, a personal attack.

because the personal attack is so obvious to us, we assume it is as obvious to the one who 'did it to us'. this then 'justifies' our hurt, often emotionally-acidic response to them.

of course, on their end, they know it wasn't meant as a personal offense, so they don't understand the defensive response. and to make things even more difficult, what from you was a 'defensive' response feels like an 'attack' on them, which of course they usually respond to 'defensively', which comes back to you as yet another attack.

in this way, people in relationships end up declaring small and terrible wars on each other, each completely convinced they are justified. they, of course, have only been defending themselves, and are shocked someone they love so much could treat them so.

loves beyond count have been destroyed because of this pattern, lives walked upon and sometimes torn apart.


let this obvious but surprisingly difficult-to-see point be made clear:

no matter how much you love someone, when they are responding to you in a hurt, pained, defensive or offensive way, they are not feeling your love.


when you find yourself in the midst of that vicious cycle, and want to overcome it, you have to recognize that simple truth. you have to realize that their response is not the insult of yourself and your gift to them that it most surely feels like. you have to be strong enough, brave enough, wise enough to realize this:

if you know in your heart that you truly love this person, but they can't feel it, there must be something in the way.

often, as i said, that something in the way ends up being simple language difference. because each of us have lived such different lives as we've grown up, even when we're using the same words and gestures, they come to mean very different things.

other times, this something in the way is a collection of deep emotional hurts and scars that were formed before they even met you - things people bring forward with them, that they haven't been able to let go of.

the best way to love someone is always rooted in truly seeing them - deep into them.

this means seeing beneath the surface layers of actions or reactions that come off as dangerous stormy waves and down to the earthquakes far below that are causing the turmoil. only then do you really have a chance of speaking to the heart of what's happening, not just the symptoms.


it comes down to deciding how far you will go to fight for the one you love,,, and it's a 'fight' of an altogether different nature.

are you willing to be brave enough to set aside your own fears, your own issues, your own deep past hurts?

are you willing to look at words and actions they say or do that your mind will so very strongly tell you mean you are being attacked, and instead read them for the seismic signs they truly are?

are you willing to set aside yourself, and give, in small but precious moments, a true open place from which to re-see this one who at the same time has been such a source of joy and sorrow?

this is what it truly means to forgive. it is a far greater feat than mouthing the words aloud, and more rare.


if you are willing to give at that level, then true love is a possibility for you, and let me say plainly:

there is no situation so ruined that such true love cannot, with patience and steady heartbeat rhythm, thoroughly heal.


that said, true love is also deeply rooted in free will.

while the giving of love is your decision and yours alone to make, a love relationship requires two people to make that decision.

sometimes circumstances of many different kinds prevent such a decision from being reached at the same time by both individuals. in some of these cases, it is a healthier thing for one or both parties to continue their journey separately.

nevertheless, if the friendship or relationship is important to you, if it ever was, don't give up until you can honestly know for yourself that you were able to set aside yourself for as long as you possibly could, that you were able to offer genuine forgiveness.

i believe when we are able to realize and practice this kind of deep seeing on a daily basis many of the friendships that end up dissolving in loss would instead find healing and beautiful renewal.

we have so very much more say in the matter than we give ourselves credit for.


blessings to you, beautiful friends, my heart wishes for you the deepest joy and strongest peace.

jesh *